serving_love | (no subject)

I want to earn it, I just... I feel like the best way to do that is to do what I said I'd do when all of this started and give him some fucking time. And not push anything. But you know, I told Usopp to give George time and she told him to give her time and look how well that turned out. No offense. And Zoro said he's trying to forget how he feels and that... I mean, he also said it's not working, but that he's even TRYING just. Fucking sucks. I don't know. I'm getting all thrown off, I don't what to do or what to say and it's pissing me off because of all fucking people, I don't want to feel like I have to walk on tiptoes around him.

Fine, I guess, but I shouldn't have done it. I told him you were supposed to kiss someone you care about. So he kissed me back.

...I wish I knew what to tell you. Frankly, the whole thing confuses me.

Well, that certainly clears matters up.

...Great, thanks.

Well George told him later there's that whole thing about how whatever you're doing at New Years is what you want to be doing all year or whatever. Which I left out. When explaining myself. But then that didn't really matter, because that wasn't his intent when he kissed me back anyway.

Look, I wish I could be half as helpful as you are, but the fact is that I'm just not. I'm sorry. All I can tell you is that if you don't want to throw it away, don't. If you think it's worth it, you can find a way in. Keep trying. That, or admit that it's not want you want and let it go.

Perhaps not. But he did kiss back.

Well fuck, next time you pitch a fit about me not coming to you with shit, now you know why. And stop with the..."do you even really want this" stuff, where is THAT coming from? I'm not throwing anything away, I'm just trying to figure out what to do. And also starting to wonder if I should start...mentally preparing myself for when he really tells me to fuck off.

That's what George said.

When did I pitch a fit? ...You're right, though; I am bad at this. I tried. And I'm not saying that you don't want it, I'm just saying that if you really do, perhaps you need to...try harder. Somehow.

...You could talk to Reborn.

When you were being all melodramatic about everything ever. Because for once I didn't want to talk about your problems and you said something along the lines of "why do you even talk to me at all?". And try harder to what. Leave him alone like I was supposed to? Make him want me? I fucking twisted myself up to look like a goddamn pretzel because I knew it'd get to him.

What, why?

Right, yes, I'm hopelessly histrionic. Fine. ...I really don't know, though. If that didn't get him to jump you, I can't say what would.

He always gives me good advice.

...He has way too much self-control. Although there was the falling over part. That pretty much made it worth it. Fuck, I dunno, it's like...whatever I felt before just. Exploded. Did that happen for you? With George? Like, as soon as you know that possibility's there...and then that you can't have it. You just want it more. Which makes everything worse. Goddamn.

I feel like that would be awkward. Talking to him about this.

Yes, that's pretty much exactly what happened.

It might, but...well, I think talking to him must be like the way people in Water 7 would tell Blueno everything about themselves. He listens, rarely says much, and never talks about himself. I don't know a thing about him except that he almost certainly won't use what I say against me.

No wonder you were so miserable all the time.

...If he rarely says much, then what good is it gonna do me? I just spilled my guts to you, I'm not likely to do it again anytime soon.

Now you understand.

Because what little he does say makes perfect sense.

I don't want to understand. I pine over women all the time, why does THIS have to be so much more freaking difficult.

...Hm.

Because you actually care about him.

It's just a suggestions.

...I know that. Figures. He’s such a pain in the ass.

Well I’ll think about it. I guess.

Love does not make any sense whatsoever. That's the only thing I've really learned from this.

...Oi, I'm not in love.

It falls under the same umbrella.

Hn. I guess.

Emotions that make one act like a besotted idiot over a person.

Alright, I get it.

When are you guys going to tell Usopp?

I don't know. She's gone, and I don't feel that it's my place to tell him without her consent. Although I think it has to be soon.

...He's making me go swimming. Floating, whatever.

Well yeah, I know, I didn't mean do it without her, but he's still going on about her being his girlfriend and wondering what he should do and what the hell am I supposed to say to that?? And it's not fair to him.

...The hell is the point of that?

...I don't know, Sanji. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to tell you either in order to keep you from having to make that decision.

He says it will be fun. I have my doubts.

Like I wouldn't have noticed something was up anyway. Unlike Usopp, I wasn't shut up in the infirmary and I definitely would've questioned that whole disappearing for multiple meals together thing.

Won't you just be, like. Totally paralyzed?

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