serving_love | (no subject)

But at least Usopp wouldn't be upset.

Lucci still would be.

That's kind of unavoidable. I can't make both of them happy.

Very true, unfortunately.

I think he wishes even more than you do that he'd kept HIS mouth shut, heh.

I kind of already knew. I mean...I didn't know he was in love with me but...I knew he had feelings for me. And has. For a pretty long time.

You've had feelings for him nearly as long, haven't you? Or you've been attracted to him, anyway. You mentioned that back during the...vampire thing.

Yeah. Pretty much.

Man. Most people are lucky to find ONE person they truly love. Here you came along and got two.

I don't know if I truly love either of them. This is all just really confusing and stupid and I hate it.

You're deeply in like, then.

...Not that this is a solution that would make everyone happy, but have you thought about maybe...I dunno, taking a step back from both of them to clear your head?

Whatever it is it's the closest thing to love I've ever felt.

I just finished convincing Usopp that I didn't want to leave him, I don't think I could tell him that I needed some time. ...but Fujiko did offer to let me come stay on the sub for awhile if I wanted.

Edited 2009-11-25 10:27 (UTC)

Yeah, but George-san... Look, I’m one of the last people who wants to see Usopp get hurt, but you have to remember yourself in all of this, too. If you need time to think, then take the time to think. You don’t have to necessarily leave, but if that’s what you’d rather do then I’m sure everyone would understand.

I just...I care about both of them so much that I don't want to see either of them get hurt. I love them both. And it hurts me that I can't make a decision that will make both of them happy.

Fujiko thinks I should choose Lucci.

That's the part I got upset at Lucci over. Not for how he feels or anything like that, but because telling you put you in that position. Which fucking sucks.

...Somehow I'm not surprised. Like it's even any of her business.

I don't know what to do. I mean. I already decided on Usopp but. I don't want to have to pretend that I don't love Lucci too. Which I do.

I needed someone to talk to that's not so involved. And who's a girl. So I asked for her opinion.

Why'd she say to choose Lucci?

Because I told her why I like each of them.

...What'd you tell her?

...it's really long.

...I'm curious what made her give you a solid answer, though.

...

I never really saw myself ever falling in love. Back home it was impossible. I wasn't supposed to get involved with the living, and every time I did it ended really badly, but...here is different. Nobody cares that I am what I am and I have people I care about here and who care about me and...I never thought I would have this.

And then Usopp came along and he's...sweet and shy and I feel like I'm just a normal teenage girl when I'm with him. Like I'm alive and there's something good in the future to look forward to. And then he told me he loved me and...I didn't know how to deal with it. It's not going to end well no matter how you look at it. He seems like the kind of guy that should settle down with a girl somewhere and have a family and...he needs someone he can grow old with. And that's not me. So I really hesitated to tell him that I loved him back. Because I'm not right for him.

But Lucci helped me through it and convinced me to take advantage of a situation in which I might actually be happy while I have the chance. Yeah, this isn't going to last forever. Eventually you all will die and I'll watch you all do it, as Robin was so kind to remind me yesterday. But I have to enjoy now while I can. A year or two of happiness is...hopefully...worth the pain it will cause in the end. So I told him I loved him. And we hit a rough patch because he's a teenage boy and he's never been in a relationship before, but we worked through it and on Halloween we slept together for the first time and it was...wonderful. He held me on the dance floor and I was happier than I've ever been.

But somewhere along the line...I don't know. Lucci. He's...my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else, Usopp included. Usopp...he's...I don't want to say fragile because that sounds like a negative thing...he's just...sensitive. And I don't want him to have to deal with that part of me that's not a normal teenage girl. I don't want him to have to know about the things I see when I go out on reaps or about the nightmares I have...I don't want to put those things in his head. If he's thinking about that then...I don't know. It ruins the illusion that I'm just a normal person having a normal relationship.

But Lucci understands that part of me. He comes with me on my reaps and is there for me when things are stupid and difficult and when they're funny and understands when watching people die becomes a routine and isn't really horrifying at all anymore. He's...tall and dark and handsome and intense and...he knows me. And loves me anyway.

I don't have an answer. I already chose Usopp because I care about him and I can't hurt him like that...I can't leave him for someone else, especially someone he considers a friend. And I don't want to. Usopp makes me happy. But I want Lucci. He's become just as important to me as Usopp is and I don't want to push him away.

Ah. ...Yeah, that does give a compelling argument for Lucci's side. Almost like Usopp's more of a puppy love thing. I keep telling him not to worry so much about...your job, and that whole part of your life, but the way you worded it all there - it's making me wonder if maybe that was bad advice. Because it sounds like you're using him almost as an escape. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it's...the whole part where he gives you the illusion of being a normal teenage girl in a normal teenage relationship. I know everyone needs and deserves a little bit of normalcy sometimes, but in the end, you're not normal and you're not a teenager and your job is a HUGE part of who you are. So I can see how having someone who understands that side of you is...important.

Damn, it's too bad you can't just combine them into one person.

Or have them both.

Think we figured out that isn't going to work.

I know.

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