serving_love | (no subject)

...I'm curious what made her give you a solid answer, though.

...

I never really saw myself ever falling in love. Back home it was impossible. I wasn't supposed to get involved with the living, and every time I did it ended really badly, but...here is different. Nobody cares that I am what I am and I have people I care about here and who care about me and...I never thought I would have this.

And then Usopp came along and he's...sweet and shy and I feel like I'm just a normal teenage girl when I'm with him. Like I'm alive and there's something good in the future to look forward to. And then he told me he loved me and...I didn't know how to deal with it. It's not going to end well no matter how you look at it. He seems like the kind of guy that should settle down with a girl somewhere and have a family and...he needs someone he can grow old with. And that's not me. So I really hesitated to tell him that I loved him back. Because I'm not right for him.

But Lucci helped me through it and convinced me to take advantage of a situation in which I might actually be happy while I have the chance. Yeah, this isn't going to last forever. Eventually you all will die and I'll watch you all do it, as Robin was so kind to remind me yesterday. But I have to enjoy now while I can. A year or two of happiness is...hopefully...worth the pain it will cause in the end. So I told him I loved him. And we hit a rough patch because he's a teenage boy and he's never been in a relationship before, but we worked through it and on Halloween we slept together for the first time and it was...wonderful. He held me on the dance floor and I was happier than I've ever been.

But somewhere along the line...I don't know. Lucci. He's...my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else, Usopp included. Usopp...he's...I don't want to say fragile because that sounds like a negative thing...he's just...sensitive. And I don't want him to have to deal with that part of me that's not a normal teenage girl. I don't want him to have to know about the things I see when I go out on reaps or about the nightmares I have...I don't want to put those things in his head. If he's thinking about that then...I don't know. It ruins the illusion that I'm just a normal person having a normal relationship.

But Lucci understands that part of me. He comes with me on my reaps and is there for me when things are stupid and difficult and when they're funny and understands when watching people die becomes a routine and isn't really horrifying at all anymore. He's...tall and dark and handsome and intense and...he knows me. And loves me anyway.

I don't have an answer. I already chose Usopp because I care about him and I can't hurt him like that...I can't leave him for someone else, especially someone he considers a friend. And I don't want to. Usopp makes me happy. But I want Lucci. He's become just as important to me as Usopp is and I don't want to push him away.

Ah. ...Yeah, that does give a compelling argument for Lucci's side. Almost like Usopp's more of a puppy love thing. I keep telling him not to worry so much about...your job, and that whole part of your life, but the way you worded it all there - it's making me wonder if maybe that was bad advice. Because it sounds like you're using him almost as an escape. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it's...the whole part where he gives you the illusion of being a normal teenage girl in a normal teenage relationship. I know everyone needs and deserves a little bit of normalcy sometimes, but in the end, you're not normal and you're not a teenager and your job is a HUGE part of who you are. So I can see how having someone who understands that side of you is...important.

Damn, it's too bad you can't just combine them into one person.

Or have them both.

Think we figured out that isn't going to work.

I know.

...

If you were being completely honest with yourself...completely, completely honest... And pretending that there wouldn't be any hurt feelings with whatever decision you made, that the other person would just magically be blissfully happy with your choice...

Would you be able to pick one over the other?

...maybe.

That's who you should be with, then.

...

You can't keep trying to protect them from getting hurt.

...I know.

The good news is...you were best friends with both of them first. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to get back to that point eventually with...you know, whoever. People do it all the time. Just gotta be patient.

You really think Usopp would still want to be my best friend if I left him for Lucci?

...I think you'd have to give him some space for awhile and he'd definitely be upset, but...yeah. Eventually.

...I don't want to do that to him.

You have to give them a clear answer, George. It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

I did. I told them both that I'm staying with Usopp.

Then stick by your decision and stop wishing you could have Lucci or you're never going to be completely happy!

I can't just stop.

It's not fair to Usopp if you don't! OR you, you're just torturing yourself.

I can't just turn my feelings off like that, Sanji.

I know you can't, but that doesn't mean you can't at least try. I don't think you want to, that's the problem, and it's just going to make this harder for all of you.

Because if no one's feelings would get hurt I might choose Lucci.

Yeah, I get that. Which is why I don't understand why you're still insisting on staying with Usopp. He's not that fragile, you know - yes, he'd be crushed and yeah, things would be really fucking awkward for awhile, but he wouldn't stop caring about you. If that's what would make you happy, then he would learn to be okay with it.

But...you know what's best, it's your life after all. You have to be able to live with the choices you make, so if this is what you want, then that's that.

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