serving_love | (no subject)

The timing was bad, I admit, and it may have looked to her as though I had ulterior motives - which I did not, for the record - but she should know me better than that. She knew that I had feelings for her before and I was still sleeping with other people then...I know it's different because it's you, but it isn't that different. And she doesn't seem to realize that she has a problem, so I probably have to talk to her about it. I'm starting to get tired of this. At the risk of sounding like a sullen child: Why me?

I'm not covering for her; I'm just not telling him certain things. And it went...well, it's still going. He's being bristly yet awkwardly sympathetic. I wish he'd stop.

I didn't think you did, don't worry. And maybe it shouldn't be that different, but it obviously was. Or at least, it was enough to set her off. I guess everything just piled up on her... You don't have to be the one to talk to her about it, you know. Not like Usopp and I didn't notice it was becoming a problem, too.

...He might. Because I think she's filling in the missing pieces for him now.

Maybe it's because she likes you too. I don't know. Anyway, someone definitely needs to talk to her before something...happens.

Wonderful. I knew everyone was talking about me behind my back. Not that I would expect any different at this point.

No, don't be an idiot, it ain't that. Maybe...it's because she has to see me everyday, though. She can ignore whoever else you sleep with. We could just...hold an intervention for her or something.

...Really, Lucci? You're gonna play that card? No one's talking about you, not like that. Usopp and George-san had to talk about this whole thing eventually, and YOU set the ball in motion since you told Usopp first. I just kind of...got tossed into the mix. What the hell, I don't even know why. Usopp told me like half a second after you told him, though. But no one's going behind your back about anything.

Well, I don't know how she actually feels about you, but she's obviously attracted to you. I don't know if that actually means anything in regards to the situation. Your idea makes sense, though.

...I don't think I would be comfortable holding an intervention on top of everything else. I can't see her being particularly at ease with it either.

You got tossed into it because you are probably the closest friend of everyone involved and I'm sure we all need someone to talk to who understands. And who isn't Ace. ...I'm sorry for saying that. And acting this way. I don't know what else to do and I can't help feeling that I've destroyed everything with my social ineptitude.

Where does that obviously come from?

...No, probably not. Point.

Right...yeah, I suppose that's true. Welcome to life, Lucci. It's full of ridiculous drama. Shit just happens sometimes and human emotions will always be complicated, but it's nothing that can't be fixed. It might take time, but we're all still nakama. This isn't something that's going to break us.

Where does it come from? ...It's just obvious. It's sort of a look, and a...sound. Accelerated pulse and breathing. It's not the sort of thing I notice every time, but after awhile I pick up on a pattern. And, well, I pay more attention to her behavior, even subconsciously.

Usopp should probably talk to her.

Hm. I'm never going to get used to this, am I?

Oh. Ha. Well...attraction definitely doesn't have to amount to anything. So it probably has nothing to do with this whole thing.

Yeah, I'd say that's probably the best idea.

You will. Eventually. Then again...sometimes I think no one ever gets entirely used to it. So maybe you're just as lost as the rest of us.

Probably not.

I suppose being in the same boat as everyone else has to amount to something. But it just feels like...things can only go right for a small amount of time before exploding again.

Yeah, maybe. And each time it might seem like it's the end of the world, so you gotta just keep reminding yourself it's not.

I've never been an optimist.

You could try it.

Being here makes it a little easier.

Reborn seems to think it would benefit me to...take a vacation. Normally I would take his advice, but the last time I took someone's advice, well. Obviously he's much smarter than Ace, but still.

...How long of a vacation?

I mean, I guess it might help. Though I'm not entirely sure how. Seems kinda like you'd just be running--uh. Making a...tactful retreat.

I don't know. However long it takes, I suppose.

At the very least, it would help me clear my head, I suppose. Although what good that will do me or anyone else in the long run is hard to say. I just never expected it to be this...painful, this difficult. I don't really understand it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Is there anything that doesn't?

Time. Someone else.

Are you sure you love her?

Someone else?

Every time I've ever heard someone describe what it feels like...it's like that. It's like a pain in my chest that doesn't exactly hurt. I want to be around her all the time... Part of it is lust. I know what that feels like. And part of it is just the way I feel about all of you. But it's more than that; it's bigger. I've never just...this is embarrassing. ...I've actually spent half-hour periods of time just wondering what it would be like to kiss her. Nothing else. Just kissing. On more than one occasion. That's pathetic. I'm pretty sure that means I'm in love with her. Tell me if you think I'm wrong.

Someone else to fall in love with. Preferably someone who isn't already taken.

...I've never actually been in love, so believe it or not, I'm not the best judge. But. I'd say that sounds...pretty real. Fuck.

I don't think I want to be in love with anyone else. Or anyone at all. It's clearly more trouble than it's worth. What's the upside to this? I don't understand.

...You haven't?

I guess when you find that person who can love you back without any limitations, you'll know.

Nope. Never had a girlfriend before either - that one threw Usopp for a loop.

Somehow I don't see that happening. I'm really just...too old for this. Too old and too jaded. She's special, Sanji. You know that. She just...knows me.

Not having a girlfriend I can believe - living in a restaurant for most of your life doesn't seem like an environment conducive to lasting relationships. But you, never having been in love? That shocks me.

Please, you're not even thirty. Granted you sounded about sixty right there, but still. And I know she's special. A lot of people think that of her. That doesn't mean she's the only out there for you. I thought you didn't get the whole monogamy thing, anyway?

Yeah well. Living in a restaurant for most of my life wasn't an environment conducive to falling in love, either. And despite appearances, I haven't actually deluded myself into thinking Nami-san's gonna drag me down the aisle one day. Not that I don't love her, but it's not that kind of love. She and Robin-chan and George-san...they're more like sisters.

I turned thirty half a year ago. You made me a cake. And I don't know if you were aware of this, but by the standards of my profession and status as a Rokushiki user, I'm over the hill. My life is expectancy is roughly 40 to 45, as high as 50 if I'm extremely lucky. So yes, I am too old for this.

Just because I am not a monogamous person doesn't mean that I think myself apt to fall in love. Certainly I'm not lucky enough to fall in love with someone who'll have me. I don't think of myself as the kind of person who can spend my life with someone, anyway. What would that mean? Getting married and having children? That's just...alien. And I hate children.

Would you like to have someone drag you down the aisle one day?

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