serving_love | (no subject)

I've never been an optimist.

You could try it.

Being here makes it a little easier.

Reborn seems to think it would benefit me to...take a vacation. Normally I would take his advice, but the last time I took someone's advice, well. Obviously he's much smarter than Ace, but still.

...How long of a vacation?

I mean, I guess it might help. Though I'm not entirely sure how. Seems kinda like you'd just be running--uh. Making a...tactful retreat.

I don't know. However long it takes, I suppose.

At the very least, it would help me clear my head, I suppose. Although what good that will do me or anyone else in the long run is hard to say. I just never expected it to be this...painful, this difficult. I don't really understand it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Is there anything that doesn't?

Time. Someone else.

Are you sure you love her?

Someone else?

Every time I've ever heard someone describe what it feels like...it's like that. It's like a pain in my chest that doesn't exactly hurt. I want to be around her all the time... Part of it is lust. I know what that feels like. And part of it is just the way I feel about all of you. But it's more than that; it's bigger. I've never just...this is embarrassing. ...I've actually spent half-hour periods of time just wondering what it would be like to kiss her. Nothing else. Just kissing. On more than one occasion. That's pathetic. I'm pretty sure that means I'm in love with her. Tell me if you think I'm wrong.

Someone else to fall in love with. Preferably someone who isn't already taken.

...I've never actually been in love, so believe it or not, I'm not the best judge. But. I'd say that sounds...pretty real. Fuck.

I don't think I want to be in love with anyone else. Or anyone at all. It's clearly more trouble than it's worth. What's the upside to this? I don't understand.

...You haven't?

I guess when you find that person who can love you back without any limitations, you'll know.

Nope. Never had a girlfriend before either - that one threw Usopp for a loop.

Somehow I don't see that happening. I'm really just...too old for this. Too old and too jaded. She's special, Sanji. You know that. She just...knows me.

Not having a girlfriend I can believe - living in a restaurant for most of your life doesn't seem like an environment conducive to lasting relationships. But you, never having been in love? That shocks me.

Please, you're not even thirty. Granted you sounded about sixty right there, but still. And I know she's special. A lot of people think that of her. That doesn't mean she's the only out there for you. I thought you didn't get the whole monogamy thing, anyway?

Yeah well. Living in a restaurant for most of my life wasn't an environment conducive to falling in love, either. And despite appearances, I haven't actually deluded myself into thinking Nami-san's gonna drag me down the aisle one day. Not that I don't love her, but it's not that kind of love. She and Robin-chan and George-san...they're more like sisters.

I turned thirty half a year ago. You made me a cake. And I don't know if you were aware of this, but by the standards of my profession and status as a Rokushiki user, I'm over the hill. My life is expectancy is roughly 40 to 45, as high as 50 if I'm extremely lucky. So yes, I am too old for this.

Just because I am not a monogamous person doesn't mean that I think myself apt to fall in love. Certainly I'm not lucky enough to fall in love with someone who'll have me. I don't think of myself as the kind of person who can spend my life with someone, anyway. What would that mean? Getting married and having children? That's just...alien. And I hate children.

Would you like to have someone drag you down the aisle one day?

...Oh, right. Ahah. For some reason I had twenty-nine on the brain, but I do distinctly remember making fun of you for being an old man now. Which I suppose doesn't help my case. And that's not even your profession anymore, so it doesn't apply!

It doesn't have to mean children and it doesn't even have to mean getting married. But if you don't think of yourself as the kind of person who can spend their life with someone else, then what... Hm. Okay, best-case-scenario - what did you want to happen when you told George-san how you felt?

Well I don't know if the dragging part is necessary, but yeah, I guess.

Do you know what prolonged Rokushiki use does to a human body when practiced during the formative years? 55 if I'm extremely lucky. I don't want to know what kind of actual condition I would be in at that point.

...I don't know. I wasn't expecting her to leave him - I wouldn't want her to. He makes her happy. I think the most I was hoping for was that...eventually he might be all right with sharing. I didn't think it through that much. Neither of us could be with her forever anyway. I think what I was actually thinking was something to the effect of...her leaving me when I got older or she got tired of me or decided to move on.

Are you interested in dating at the moment, or just at some point in the future? Usopp certainly seems invested in your love life. Did he tell you that he thought it would be nice if the two of us went out?

That's still 25 years away. That's a long time. Hell, longer than I've been alive. Even if you don't live to be 100, it's not like dying is something you've gotta worry about anytime soon. You're not too old for this.

See...this is why I think you'll be okay. If what you're saying is true, and you really don't expect nor want her to leave him, then that's pretty much your answer right there. Usopp's never gonna be okay with sharing, that's just not how he is. At least, not in any sexual way. But that doesn't mean you can't still be around George-san and be friends with her and confide in her and have all the same conversations you're already having. Kissing her won't be an option, but I think you're the sort of person who's able to separate what you feel into two separate categories. Friendship on one side, lust on the other. Keep the friendship, love her as a best friend, but just...go take care of the lust stuff elsewhere. You won't ever lose her, friends are a lifelong deal. And it might not be the most favorable solution, but sometimes you just gotta take what you can get.

Yeah, he mentioned that. I laughed at him. No offense, it was just...hard to imagine. It's definitely something I'm interested in, though. Dating someone. Eventually.

If you say so. I just feel like I've reached the limits of my understanding of human relations.

...That should be reassuring. Shouldn't it? That should make me feel better? Because it just...hurts. And makes me irrationally angry at Usopp again. Maybe I'll just have to read it again in a month and see if it helps any then, because it does seem like perfectly logical thinking. Thank you for saying it, anyway.

I didn't laugh; I was just...confused. I think he's still a little naive. It seems strange - personally, I knew about sex before I knew about love and romantic interest.

Is there anyone you're interested in at the moment, then? I heard you say something about Miss Malandro...

Too much to handle in one day, huh?

I don't know if I'd say it was supposed to be reassuring. It's more like...a game plan. Something to work towards, maybe. Because yeah, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna suck and you're probably gonna wanna break shit sometimes and other times the urge to punch Usopp will be there because he's got the whole deal and you're stuck with half... Me typing up random words on a screen isn't going to magically fix things, there is no miracle cure for this. But time heals all wounds, I guess, or however the hell it goes. You just gotta be strong enough to stick it out.

He just got stuck on the idea of double dating, I think. Like that wouldn't be horribly awkward. I definitely knew about romance first. Failed romance, too. You wouldn't believe some of the people who came through the Baratie, I learned all sorts of shit from their stories.

...Uh. Not...particularly. Michiko-chan is - well. She's the newest female on board, that's really the easiest explanation there.

Too much for one lifetime, I think.

I'm strong enough to stick anything out. That much I know for sure. The difficult part is going to be sticking it out without killing everyone.

...I just tried to conjure a mental image of the four of us on a double date. Suddenly I know what is meant by the term "proximity embarrassment". I don't think I understand the point of a double date, anyway - isn't it the same as going out with a group of friends, only excluding all your friends who aren't in relationships? The only thing I can imagine is that it's an exercise in superiority.

That's what I thought. She doesn't strike me as your type, although I can't say that I know what your type is aside from "breasts". ...Actually, she strikes me as Zoro's type. Miss Robin tried to get me interested in playing a voyeuristic little game of matchmaker with them. I appreciate the attempt at reaching out and I know I shouldn't have rejected the opportunity, but, well, the timing was poor.

Well, I'm sure I speak for everyone on board when I say we appreciate you at least trying.

Heh, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it is, actually. That, and I guess by excluding the single people you give yourself the opportunity to be ridiculously sappy with your date whilst knowing you're not going to be annoying the crap out of the company you're with.

You forgot "pretty face", that's also important -- and wow, kidding. I'm not that shallow, man, there's more to it than that. Michiko-chan is actually really cool. She's got balls, as Zoro put it.

.....Wait, hang on, you think she's his type? What - why does Robin-chan want to play matchmaker??

So...superiority and exhibitionism. In those terms, it actually sounds like my kind of thing.

I think that your type is just "women". You seem to be able to find something attractive and interesting about all of them.

I never did get to know Zoro very well, but they seem to have a lot in common, and he obviously likes her on some level. You just said so yourself. She's very...brassy. Challenging. Sure of herself. And I think she's older, which seems like something he would appreciate, being rather mature for his age when he isn't acting like a twit. Anyway, I think that Miss Robin garners a lot of satisfaction from meddling in the affairs of others and sitting back to watch the results. That, and something happened between her and Zoro that, I suspect, made her want to find some way to separate herself from him.

Guess you'll need to find a hot date, then.

It's not like you have to look very hard. Most people have something interesting about them.

Right. Tall, dark, and older, that does seem to be the trend of his. Figures. She seemed pretty hell-bent on teaching him to dance, too, and he actually went along with it, so. Maybe you're not...too far off. ...When you say something happened, you mean the Halloween thing? They weren't even in their right minds for that, did that actually get to her??

By no means do I actually want to do it, but it's a funny thought.

Mm. True. You found something interesting about me, after all.

I actually have no idea what happened. She tried to make me guess and then left me hanging, but she did mention they weren't in their right minds. I don't get the impression that it "got to her" so much as that she's trying to...distract him in some way. Possibly it was just awkward for them and she's attempting to dispel that awkwardness.

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