serving_love | (no subject)

Ha...right, point. To be honest, I wasn't sure I'd like it enough the first time to wanna go again, but. I was way wrong on that account. So. Kudos, you're fun, too.

I dunno, I guess...I mean. A lot of it's probably for my own benefit. Making something that other people enjoy, it's a real ego booster. But it's also...comforting, in a way. Knowing that everyone here is eating and eating properly at that. Food's so fucking important - guess I just like knowing that I'm helping to keep you all healthy or something.

Thank you. Not that I really get complaints either. What made you decide to try it, anyway?

Hmm. I just wondered, because...well, I'm not sure why I wondered. I suppose I feel like I don't really talk to people. Not about...themselves. I was trying to find common ground with Miss Robin, but I don't have common ground with many people at all, do I.

Do I need a reason aside from being really fucking horny? Five months, remember. I mean, I guess I could've waited for the next island, but... I dunno. Maybe I was...curious. And it's kinda nice to do it with someone you actually know sometimes.

I don't think you necessarily have to have common ground with people... You can form bonds other ways. Just being able to talk about nothing in particular with them or sparring or whatever. I dunno.

Edited 2009-11-22 10:54 (UTC)

I do know what that's like. The familiarity part, I mean. Well, the horny part too, but that's not what I meant. Because with someone you actually know, it can be...well, fun. With someone you've just met, it's more like a business transaction. And I normally end up paying for it in drinks and a room because they inevitably turn out to be a pirate too who was hoping to go home with someone who has a house... Anyway, it gets to be a bit tiresome after awhile, especially because you never know what you're getting.

True. It's just that lately - hmm. I feel...isolated, I suppose. And I'm used to that, and it's fine, but with people I care about, and in this small a space...it's awkward. Actually, I don't know why I'm bringing it up to you. You probably don't want any part in any of this. I apologize; forget I said anything.

An exhausting business transaction, even if it IS worth it. I still gotta do the whole song-and-dance routine to get a girl interested and make sure I'm not crossing any boundaries or being too rude and then I always end up spending most of the night focusing on them and making sure they're happy and enjoying it - and then I still gotta pay for the drinks and a room, too! Geez.

What the hell, don't apologize. You can talk to me, I don't care. You're feeling isolated?

The advantage to picking up men is that nine times out of ten, plain directness gets the job done. The disadvantage is that on a lot of islands, men do not appreciate attempts at picking them up. I tend to like women better anyway, but it is...difficult. And it hardly matters because, regardless of gender, anyone who looks interesting is going to turn out to have maybe 50 douriki at most.

...I'm not sure that I really want to talk about it. It's rather pathetic. Going out the other night with you and Zoro and Miss Michiko was a nice change of pace, and I appreciate the invite, but aside from that, I've mostly been trying to stay out of everyone's way. I'm not exactly popular right now, if you've noticed. If I could have kept my mouth shut...

Mm. There's always brothels, I guess, but. I'm not a huge fan. 50 douriki, meaning they're really weak? Yeah, there is that. Having to hold back all the time...really kinda sucks.

If you'd kept your mouth shut, things would've been easier, sure. But then you just would've been...I dunno, suffering in silence. The thing is, no one's really blaming you. And if George-san returns your feelings, well. I think Usopp deserved to know about that. Anyway, there's no point hiding around the ship and sulking. They're trying to get back to something that can be called normal, so maybe you should, too.

It really does. And brothels are - well, half the reason sex is entertaining is...it's like a game, wherein the object is to find out what best renders the other person into a satiated puddle. You get a sense of accomplishment out of it. Whores aren't interested in that, and they certainly don't want to do it for you. It just seems like a form of expensive masturbation. Besides, my mother was a whore, and I wonder if that doesn't seem uncomfortably oedipal.

And now I'm suffering out loud where everyone can point and laugh? She could have told him on her own if she thought it was worth troubling him. And for the record, my "normal" was George. I've ruined that now. I need to find a new normal and accept the fact that I'm not going to be truly happy with it when I find it.

Heh. That's one way to look at it, I suppose. Not that I disagree with you. Brothels just...feel dirty. Like I'm cheating or something. ...I almost forgot about your mother.

Who's laughing? And look, I don't think you've ruined anything. I know I'm pretty much removed entirely from the situation so it's not fair to tell you guys how to feel and that it'll all fix up nicely, because I don't know what's going to happen. But you and George-san, you're still okay around each other, right? Why can't she still be your "normal" or whatever?

Cheating? Well, I think the point is that it's a...shortcut, of sorts. But it does take the challenge out of it, and I find that things are better when I have to work for them. And if you're going to forget about my mother, do me a favor and take my brain with you the next time you go to drain off superfluous knowledge.

I'm sure no one is actually laughing at me, but it's still uncomfortably public. And...I'm not sure that George and I are okay around each other. It's awkward now. Knowing that Usopp might take it the wrong way if we want to spend time together, knowing that she feels the same way I do and there's nothing either of us can do about it... I swear I'm this close to just kissing her right in front of him and letting him blame me for it just so that I get to do it once.

Yeah, I dunno, it's dumb. It's just I tend to put women up on this...pedestal or whatever, but then to just be like, fuck it, and skip all of the romancing and go straight for sex completely sans any real emotion... Eh, I just don't like it. Taking the challenge away doesn't help either, like you said. ...Heh, alright, I'll remember to ask for it next time I go.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe you should just do that.

I don't think romance and emotion comes into it anywhere for me. I suppose it might be interesting if it ever did, but I don't see that happening.

...You do?

It would with...well. The person you're in love with.

...Just. To get it over with or something. Nevermind, forget I said that. Usopp would kill me.

Exactly.

...Yes, he would. I'm not going to tell him. You're getting tired of this, aren't you?

You could fall in love again - but we had that conversation already.

...It's got nothing to do with me, I'd feel selfish saying yes.

Yes, we did.

...We're all tired of it, Sanji. And it has to do with everyone because half the crew is stressed about it. It shouldn't be that way, but it is; you know that. We all feel it when a few of us are having a hard time - even I do.

But we shouldn't talk about it anymore. There's nothing either of us can do.

I still feel bad. It's just frustrating, mostly. Watching and not being able to do anything and having this giant black cloud hanging over the ship.

...Yeah, I guess not.

Welcome to my world.

So let's talk about something different. How's the menu going?

...Pretty good. Got distracted from it. Anything in particular you want to add for dinner?

Nothing comes to mind. Although I like salmon, if we have it.

(no subject)

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