serving_love | (no subject)

Current Mood: worried

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I think Leo might be sick.

...Or maybe she's just really not a kitten anymore.

I don't know, but something's going on with her. She hasn't been as playful lately, like she'd rather lounge around the galley—or wherever I am...actually, she follows me damn near everywhere now—instead of rolling around with Ilario. And she's getting a little...chubby. Because of it. That, and she's eating more than usual. Guess that doesn't help.

Ilario's still playful as shit, though. Do girls still mature faster than boys even when they're cats?? I don't want my baby to be all grown up!!!

...Should probably just talk to Chopper.

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If sticking your nose into my thread with the cook to snip at me is your idea of trying to talk to me, I don't know why you bother, either.

I wasn't snipping at you. And you were talking about me. You don't ever comment to my entries, and I haven't had much to say on yours so...sorry for making an effort. I won't anymore.

It had nothing to do with you, I was teasing the cook. And you sounded and looked really damn snippy.

I don't comment on every one of your entries. Don't act like you're the only one doing anything. Also. The way you flounce off whenever a conversation turns a way you don't like is really annoying, and means nothing goes anywhere.

Fine. Then next time you're flirting with Sanji don't do it while you're talking about me. I was trying to joke with you, actually. And you got all defensive and said I was misreading the conversation and...ugh.

I don't flounce. I just don't see the point in continuing to try to talk to you when you obviously don't want to talk to me and every little thing I say is either stupid or leads to an argument. I don't want to argue with you.

Hm. My bad, I guess. Didn't seem like a joke.

You do the same damn thing, get all offended and weird at everything I say, since way back. Except you don't argue about it, you make THAT FACE and say 'whatever' or something like it, which is flouncing. Or sulking, whichever. You do it with everybody else too, and I have no idea how they don't get irritated. I'd rather argue shit out every time. And there is no one on this ship I don't argue with. So yeah, that's one reason I find it hard to talk to you.

Also. 'Don't want to talk to you' and 'don't have anything to say' are two different things.

Well I guess I shouldn't have expected you to know. You don't know me.

I don't do it with everybody else. I can manage to have a decent conversation with everybody else on this ship. In fact, I consider most of them the best friends I've ever had. But with you...I don't know. Maybe I really should just stop trying. It's not like we ever really got along anyway. Even before you lost your memory.

There's a really thin line between the two.

Don't have much experience with joking-you, no. You usually talk about your job. Or your life before your job.

...You don't do it with everybody else? I've seen you do it with other people. They brush it off or try to pull you out of whatever mood you're in so you can keep having decent conversations, 'cause they are your friends. You and me aren't friends, so it just bugs the shit out of me. I'm not gonna coax you out of a sulk.

We've had decent conversations before. We've also talked on the network, what. Maybe three times since we went over the shit with Usopp? Escaping from Sabaody, where I yelled at you when your reap made you late and you got offended and flounced at me. I commented on your Intro thing and that went nowhere. And now this. Yeah, that's a hell of a lot of 'trying' from both of us—just call it all off and let's never speak again and make things shit for Usopp and the cook. When they're still planning double dates. Great idea.

Also, I don't care what things were like before I lost my memory.

But there is one.

Well. Then. I'm sorry. For barging in on your thread and not being clear.

I'm not sulking. I just do that when I don't know what else to say. And that happens a lot with you. I'm sorry that I'm a moody brat or whatever it is you think I am.

I wasn't offended. You just. Took it too seriously and then I didn't know where to go from there. And yeah, I was overreacting. And I knew that. So I backed down. I wasn't going to fight with you about it when I knew I was in the wrong. I feel like that a lot with you. Like right now. I said something wrong and then when I tried to back down because I'm not going to try to defend myself when I did fuck up you just...press the issue. It makes it really hard to talk to you. We never have a conversation that leaves me feeling positive about it in the end, and we never get anywhere, so I'm sorry if I don't want to keep doing that. You never have anything good to say about me or to me, so why bother? I think not talking at all would be better than this.

Well that was a pretty long comment for not having anything to say to me.

Hm. Same.

Fine, so we misunderstand each other all the time. But you gotta know that stuff like this doesn't say 'I'm wrong and backing down', it says 'you're full of shit and I'm just saying something to shut you up'. So yeah, I get irritated and press the issue, 'cause it's damn insulting.

...I 'never have anything good to say' about you or to you? You never feel positive about any conversations we have? That's just bullshit, and I dunno why you're trying to pretend we've never had decent conversations or that I've never tried to be civil and even compliment you, when I never do that shit with people. Half the time I've stopped replying to you because you turn the topic to something about reaping and being a reaper and why your life sucks.

...Yeah, I don't even know what to say to all that defeatism you're pinning on me when your shit started this mess. 'Not getting along' can be fixed, but no shit it's not all gonna be easy and pleasant, and we've been over why bother.

Back at you.

Well I'm sorry for being in a bad mood in that particular instance.

Fine. I'm sorry. I'm generalizing too much. But we haven't had a decent conversation in a long time. I barely even remember. Maybe we get along okay during a fight but that's just. Different. And yeah, the night of the barbecue wasn't terrible either.

I haven't talked to you about me being a reaper in a long time either, save that day we had to leave Shabondy. And I won't, if you don't want to hear it. But me talking about reaping or being a reaper...that's the same as you talking about being a swordsman. It's what I am. And I'm not really a huge fan of that. But I won't talk about it anymore with you. Okay?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. I don't know how to talk to you, Zoro.

Yeah. Well.

I pressed for the same reason the other times.

It's not—look, I know it's what you are. But it doesn't tell me a lot about who you are. I don't know what to say when you tell me stuff you're unhappy about. I don't know you well enough. In fights I can see you're ballsy and quick and can kick ass and get past being afraid, n'that tells me more about you than that you don't like taking people's souls.

Well maybe I didn't want to admit I was wrong. I wasn't trying to be rude, I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry.

...well. Then I'm sorry. That I...treated you like a close friend when you weren't. I don't know what you wanted to hear. I'm...unhappy a lot of the time. But I'm trying to be better about that.

And...thanks. I guess. You're just...an actions speak louder than words kind of person then, right? I don't know how to show you who I am, especially when I feel like you don't even really want to know in the first place.

Edited 2010-04-04 08:38 (UTC)

...Waking up and having people tell me you're nakama doesn't mean I wanna trade life stories, no. Haven't done that with most of the nakama I've sailed with this whole damn time.

S'easier to see what people are with actions. I know you've got sass and humor and all that other shit—you've made me laugh a couple times. And you are nakama. So yeah, I wanna know, but the 'unhappy a lot of the time' seems like most every time we talk. Not a big incentive to seek you out, gotta admit.

The cook and Usopp are incentive. That bad?

Well. Then I feel stupid. I'm sorry.

Getting along doesn't have to mean that we ever seek each other out. I think just...not avoiding each other would be good enough. Right? And...thank you. That's...one of the first things you've said this entire conversation that makes me feel like maybe I'm not a complete failure as a human being.

It's not bad but if it's the only reason and you really don't want to get to know me then it just...feels forced. I don't want you to force yourself to talk to me.

Nn. S'just...coming at it differently, I guess.

...Yeah, not avoiding is fine. ...Mm.

Same to you, then. Either of us forcing it makes shit awkward.

I guess. It just kind of sucks. Because I was making an effort. And it...pushed you away rather than...blah.

Okay. Good, then.

So are you talking to me because you want to or because Sanji wants you to?

Mm, yeah, same to you. I guess we just...try stuff. Think you probably had the right idea—if I'd got that you were joking this conversation would've been a lot different, so...

Your cat knocked up the cook's cat.

Yeah. Well. Maybe we're not even at a level where we can joke around with one another. Apparently we've been living on the same ship for over four months -that you remember- and you still don't know me at all. And I've assumed that you didn't want to. I still think that. I feel like you're only trying to talk to me at all because of Sanji. Because you obviously don't like me.

And...it's also really hard to talk to you because...I know how you feel about the way things went down between me, Usopp, and Lucci. I don't feel comfortable talking to you about either of them. Especially Lucci, because I know the two of you...aren't on good terms. And I spend a ridiculous majority of my time with the two of them. So...I don't know. I feel like I have to censor myself. I've changed a lot in the year that I've been here and most of it is because of them.

Yeah...he did. I know Sanjis' not thrilled about that part of it, but I think the impending kittens soften the blow.

Edited 2010-04-04 08:40 (UTC)

...So damn negative.

...Don't talk about any of that stuff regarding either of 'em and we should be fine. That's not that hard, right.

Che. No kidding. ...Moron's making me keep one.

...right. Sorry. I do that all the time. I have trouble looking at the bright side. I'll...stop.

Okay. I can do that.

Haha! Awesome. I'm making Lucci keep one too. Because he gave Ilario to me as a gift.

Hmmm. We're gonna have a damn lot of cats.

The ship is big enough for that many cats, I think.

And it's nice to have pets. Did you know that people with pets live longer, on average?

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