serving_love | (no subject)

...Oh. Okay.

I wasn't sure how you were going to take that. I figured either very well or very badly.

Well. I mean, they broke up. Or they're on a break, whatever - point is, if she's trying to figure out who she wants, it doesn't surprise me that she'd try kissing you.

...That's what I thought.

I felt like...I was supposed to feel bad about it. But I didn't. At least, I don't think so.

This has just been one long, confusing episode.

That was the first time you guys ever did anything?

Yes. Before she...she wanted to say goodbye before she went to the sub. And then a few days ago we...it wasn't a fight, she just said something I didn't like and we were both frustrated and I - I just don't think we knew what else to do. I still don't know what to do, but...

Frustrated and not knowing what to do - I know those all too well.

At least you did wait. I mean, till she and Usopp... That's admirable.

Oh, please. It's not admirable. All I waited for was for her to come to me. If she'd come before they'd broken up, I would have done it then too. That's why I don't feel right about it.

...I knew she wouldn't, though. I never thought she would even after they broke up. Separated, whatever it is. Whatever that means.

...You still waited. That's something. And of course you don't feel right about it. Separated or not, you know Usopp's still got feelings for her. So you're still kissing his girl.

I don't even think they know what it means. I'm pretty sure it just confuses Usopp.

...Right.

See, my solution to this would just be to, I don't know, have a threesome and get it over with, but nothing can ever be that simple, apparently.

...Yeah, I think you'd give Usopp a heart attack if you suggested that.

Prudes.

You'd better not be including me in that.

No, no. Just a general statement.

...I feel like it would make sense for me to be angry with him, but I'm not. I can't be.

Angry at Usopp? Yeah, I think you're better off not. It wouldn't help anything.

I know it wouldn't help anything, but I keep wanting to be, and then...I don't know. He'll say something or look depressed and I just give up.

Why do you want to be mad at him?

That was the wrong choice of words - more that I keep starting to be angry at him. I was for a while, and I told him so, and he - I don't know, he took it so well that I couldn't keep it up. I think I just...wanted him to yell at me, or something. Look, I know it probably doesn't make sense. I can't figure it out myself.

...

Do you feel guilty?

...Yes and no.

I know I should. But I don't, really. But...sometimes I think I might. I don't know. I've never really felt guilt until recently, so...it's complicated.

...I think that I feel similar when I look at him to the way I do when I look at Zoro. So...probably, sometimes, yes.

Mm...I was just wondering if maybe that's part of why you wanted him to yell at you. Or get angry back. So your anger in return would feel more...justified? I dunno.

...

I told him.

Probably. I think the other part is that personally, I'd rather be angry than sad.

...Oh?

Anger's easier to deal with.

It went about as well as I expected it to.

Mm.

What does that mean?

...I dunno - he doesn't trust me not to do it again. He's mad and hurt and he's probably feeling betrayed. We're...waiting, I guess. Fuck, it's not like we're on break, we were never really together, so I guess now we're just. Nothing. Until he says otherwise.

Also, he like fucking karate-chopped me in the goddamn face.

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